You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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