Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
