I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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