Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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