new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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