My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
