i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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