Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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