i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
