I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
