Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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