oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
