pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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