If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
