Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
do nipples grow back?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
