please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
