I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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