we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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