I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
