i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
