and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
