the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
