it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
