Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My vagina just clenched in fear
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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