***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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