My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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