i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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