So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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