I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
