I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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