dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
