your parents love me but you hate me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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