We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
