I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
