He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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