just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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