8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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