I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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