I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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