just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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