I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
