allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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