I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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