he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
