I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
