Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
