I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
