i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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