Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
