im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
