only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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