i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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